Saturday, July 5, 2008

Dude, do you have a Slim Jim?

Today, I got locked out of my car. Oh wait, it wasn't a car, it was a van. And it wasn't mine.

You know those sort of "borrows" where you didn't actually ask for the lend? But if you return it before they miss it, it's okay? This was one of those situations. If I didn't get the heck out of dodge, I would roast. The sort of roast where I don't get to blog anymore, cause my hands are broken.

I had pulled into a Pilot Travel Center to get an energy drink, and I locked the van doors. I made absolute sure that I had the keys in my pocket, so I would do something stupid like, I don't know, get locked out.

I got the drink, walked back to the van, and the key didn't work. It was the right key, the one I had just used to drive to the Travel Center, but it didn't work on the doors. What kind of effing vehicle has two sets of keys? What kind of Gorram Pit had I found myself in? If God was paying attention right then, I'm sure he had brought popcorn.

My knees hit the asphalt, and then my palms. I started to hyperventilate, raised my face towards the sky, opened my arms wide, and screamed.


[ 30 sec commercial break ]

"... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" (okay, not that part)

I asked everybody there if they had a Slim Jim. 5 truckers, 6 car drivers, the guy that ran the Taco Bell, 2 Travel Center clerks, 1 on-duty security officer, and zero Slim Jims. They did not carry them in the store. I ran over to the Travel Center shop. They did not have a Slim Jim.

WTF! (Why That's Funny!)

I asked the dude that was still selling fireworks in the tent next to the parking lot. He did not have a Slim Jim. I ran back to the Travel Center, poked around in their showers and Laundromats for a hanger, and even went back into their maintenance section where I get arrested if they find me back there, but no hangers.

One of the Travel Center clerks went above and beyond the call of duty, actually went through all the shirts they sell, and found an un-used shirt hanger for me. Darwin bless her!

I had no idea how to use the hanger to unlock the van, short of breaking a window, and reaching in with the hanger to scratch my name on the wall of the van.

The firework selling dude came over to help me, didn't know how to help, but suggested to O-Reilly's I had completely missed a block away. Jeepers! Zeus bless him!

I ran over to the O-Reilly's, and they did not have a Slim Jim I could borrow, but they would exchange one for my first born child. I happily agreed, and ran back to the Travel Center with a brand new Slim Jim.

5 minutes later, with the aid of a Slim Jim, a hanger, and, again, the aid of the firework selling dude (Jupiter bless him!), I was on my way. I have a new respect for the friendliness and willingness-to-help of humanity, but am also disappointed that none of them have Slim Jims.

1 comment:

Alexandra West said...

I absolutely feel your pain. I am on a slew of pneumonia cocktails, and locked my keys in my car last night. All the places that were still open that lied and said they sold slimjims on their websites kept trying to redirect me to the grocery aisle. Hoping for better luck today, as I attempt to procure one elsewhere.