Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Character of Jesus

First, before we can discover the character of Jesus, we must study his remarkable parentage.

Mary: Mary was a Hebrew girl, commonly regarded as a teenager during the Immaculate Conception. She was undoubtedly Human, although there are several other, contradictory clues. She is revered by many millions as a Symbol of Hope (possibly Draenei), she was smokin' hot (possibly Night Elf), and she was a virgin (possibly Gnome or Dwarf). However, I believe her humanity has never been questioned, and without further ado, we will say that she was Human.

God: God was amazingly the father of Jesus. Since Jesus' teachings show how all men should be loved, and God is the creator of all creatures, it is not impossible that He was Horde. Of the possible choices for the race of God, Horde Races (IMO) show the most promise.
  • Undead seems very fitting, since they will just not stay dead. By the time Undead are active players, they have been resurrected several times.
  • Trolls are extremely spiritual creatures, and it seems like they show the proper respect towards religion.
  • Tuaren are already worshipped by over a billion Hindus, and are an excellent candidate for the race of God.

On the other hand, Orcs don't have much going for them, aside from God's occasional use of Blood Fury. God has also proven time and time again that he is both homophobic, and definitely not gay, so the Blood Elves are out as well. In the end, although there is not much data to go on, it looks like God was Undead.

The traits of Jesus:
Jesus was a mage. Jesus' first miracle was creating drinks for his friends. He also summoned immense quantities of bread and fish to feed thousands. (Note: Since not even Mages can summon fish, it is assumed he had skilled up the Fishing profession.) Jesus also on one occasion teleported to an exceedingly high mountain, and then immediately, without any discernible cooldown, teleported to the roof of the Temple. These skills certainly display someone with Mage powers.

Jesus was a priest. He could heal the sick, could get rid of bleed effects, and also cleanse diseases. (Note: He had apparently specced into the Discipline tree, since he had on multiple occasions, reportedly, infused his friends with Divine Spirit.) He could also resurrect people from the dead. One time, his friend Lazarus couldn't find his body on a ghost run, so Jesus resurrected him after several very disappointing days. It is rumored that Lazarus was soon kicked out of the guild. Jesus could also walk on water. There is a hilarious anecdote about how He and his disciple Peter, (also a priest) went out together across the sea of Galilee, and Peter ran out of light feathers! What a newb!

Jesus was a warlock. He could control demons, and once unleashed an uncountable number of them at a herd of pigs. He also had a number of curses at his disposal. When a treant would not give him some figs, he put a DOT on the sucker that would simply not go away.

Jesus was a warrior. The way he could walk into a room and get immediate agro from all the Pharisees, surely suggest that he was a warrior. His piercing howl was formidable, at one point clearing the Temple of the moneychangers, although they unfortunately all brought adds. (Note: Jesus did not seem to take advantage of plate. He never wore anything tougher than cloth armor.)

It does not seem that Jesus possessed any traits of the Paladin, Shaman, Hunter, or Rogue classes. Granted, John the Baptist made a kick-butt Druid. (Note: There is an exception with the Palladin, knowing that on some, future, splendid day, He will place a judgement on each and every one of us. Another exception is the Shaman, since Jesus did a Self-Resurrect. This was after Judas, a rogue, hit him with an Premeditation-Ambush-Backstab combo.)

Conclusion: Jesus was an Alliance-Horde hybrid. He was a human-undead, mage-priest-warlock-warrior with a skilled up Fishing profession. He could heal, tank, DOT, and DPS without breaking a sweat. Holy Snot, my God is way better than your God. What can your God do?

No comments: