Pornographic, Vulgar, or Obscene

This is something new. I've never been accused of being vulgar before. I pride myself on my lack of name-calling, so when someone says that my work is too pornographic, vulgar, or obscene for their tastes, I certainly pay attention.

I tried to submit an article titled, "Seven Things I Never Knew About French Kissing", to the publishing website Triond. They sent back this charming letter...
Surely, I'm not that interesting!

Republican's outrageous spending

Moving ShadyLibrary to GoogleHacksX

Hey all,

I've discovered the virtue that is the custom domain on a blogger account.

I am unable to set the blogger CNAME on googlehacksx.com, since my hosting account actually owns my domain. I sent them a support ticket yesterday, requesting their help, and they've already got it up and registered. Praise be to Allah!

So, I'm going to go ahead and redirect the shadylibrary blogger account to shadylibrary.googlehacksx.com. I think it will go down for a while, like maybe a day or so. Lady Luck be with me!

I know in my heart, that if I trust in Jesus, and have enough faith in the internet, God will bless me. Amen.

Burger King is Awesome

I was on an errand again, and just had to stop for a bacon cheeseburger. Bacon cheeseburgers are God's proof that he loves us and wants us to be obese Americans. I neither want to argue with God nor my stomach, so I will go where advertisements will me.

Burger King is obviously the King of Burgers, and I once had an actually awesome burger there once. One good out of seven total means I have good (okay) odds of having another good experience.

So, I whip in to the King's place, walk in cause I hate drive-throughs, and I say quote, "I just want a bacon cheeseburger." The manager mics in, "Bacon cheeseburger."

Everything was going smooth as a Janet Jackson concert, until this chick says, "We don't serve lunch right now." I actually responded with a almost inaudible, "Oh, God." I think that was the first time I swore in public with an audience. I looked at all of their egg sandwiches, and finally decided to get a "wrap". This is actually a breakfast burrito, but they hate using names that real people use, so I had to get a "wrap".

I almost threw a fit, almost tried to reason with their stupidity, to ask them if they had ever had a burger for breakfast, and was it not the most spectacular breakfast they had ever had? But then I couldn't do all of this, and possibly ruin their minimum-wage day, because I suddenly realized that the chick was HOT. Not plastic hot, but real, human being hot. Like, OMG, my brain just turned off. This was like "McDonalds Girl", only in Burger King.

She had short, boring, dark brown hair. She did not have a ridiculous plastic body. She was actually bored. And she was really cool. I would have gladly cut off my right arm and worked in the burger place as an amputee, if it weren't for the social pressures and the sudden cardiac arrest I found myself in. Granted, she was working right next to three women who were exploring expansive waist lines.

I had walked in for a bacon cheeseburger, and stumbled out grasping a burrito, and very confused. Burger King is Awesome!

Dude, do you have a Slim Jim?

Today, I got locked out of my car. Oh wait, it wasn't a car, it was a van. And it wasn't mine.

You know those sort of "borrows" where you didn't actually ask for the lend? But if you return it before they miss it, it's okay? This was one of those situations. If I didn't get the heck out of dodge, I would roast. The sort of roast where I don't get to blog anymore, cause my hands are broken.

I had pulled into a Pilot Travel Center to get an energy drink, and I locked the van doors. I made absolute sure that I had the keys in my pocket, so I would do something stupid like, I don't know, get locked out.

I got the drink, walked back to the van, and the key didn't work. It was the right key, the one I had just used to drive to the Travel Center, but it didn't work on the doors. What kind of effing vehicle has two sets of keys? What kind of Gorram Pit had I found myself in? If God was paying attention right then, I'm sure he had brought popcorn.

My knees hit the asphalt, and then my palms. I started to hyperventilate, raised my face towards the sky, opened my arms wide, and screamed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

[ 30 sec commercial break ]

"... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" (okay, not that part)

I asked everybody there if they had a Slim Jim. 5 truckers, 6 car drivers, the guy that ran the Taco Bell, 2 Travel Center clerks, 1 on-duty security officer, and zero Slim Jims. They did not carry them in the store. I ran over to the Travel Center shop. They did not have a Slim Jim.

WTF! (Why That's Funny!)

I asked the dude that was still selling fireworks in the tent next to the parking lot. He did not have a Slim Jim. I ran back to the Travel Center, poked around in their showers and Laundromats for a hanger, and even went back into their maintenance section where I get arrested if they find me back there, but no hangers.

One of the Travel Center clerks went above and beyond the call of duty, actually went through all the shirts they sell, and found an un-used shirt hanger for me. Darwin bless her!

I had no idea how to use the hanger to unlock the van, short of breaking a window, and reaching in with the hanger to scratch my name on the wall of the van.

The firework selling dude came over to help me, didn't know how to help, but suggested to O-Reilly's I had completely missed a block away. Jeepers! Zeus bless him!

I ran over to the O-Reilly's, and they did not have a Slim Jim I could borrow, but they would exchange one for my first born child. I happily agreed, and ran back to the Travel Center with a brand new Slim Jim.

5 minutes later, with the aid of a Slim Jim, a hanger, and, again, the aid of the firework selling dude (Jupiter bless him!), I was on my way. I have a new respect for the friendliness and willingness-to-help of humanity, but am also disappointed that none of them have Slim Jims.